Well, as I should know by now, after so many years, delaying the inevitable does nothing but waste time. I tried to cancel my doctor's appointments on Wednesday because after dialysis I was ladenwith cramps and a still unstable gut. I cancelled them, but my mother, upon discovering my machinations, through me in her RAV4 and carted me up to the Brig. My new name for it much like an army jail. Then I got to drink the contrast again to see if there was anything different in my abdominal CT scan- guess what- there's nothing in there with the took the exception of some radioactive organs. For those not familiar with this test, you have to drink a pint of barium over a half hour. It is a thick, creamy substance, much like I stated in an earlier post, could be likened to pina coladas, after you've had about fifteen of them. But then you have to wait a hour, or longer depending on the schedule of the CT department which operates around the clock. I started drinking the shit at 10pm and wasn't called for the test until 2am. In the meantime though, I experienced a severe low blood sugar registering 34. I was severely symptomatic with sweats, dizziness, shakes- like I was experiencing a drug withdrawl. When I rang for my nurse, he thought perhaps my sweats were due to the room temperature-it was 78, so he put it down to 74. Upon my insistance, however, he checked my level. YIKES!
I have been a professional patient for most of my life and like anyone with a chronic illness, I know my body and its chnages best. Don't doubt me. I had to have to have several doses of IV dextrose throughout the night because I continues to bottom out with my sugar. They then began to test me every two hours. This isn't very good for sleep-so I ended up sleeping all day. My mom came to visit after work. I feel bad for her and my dog, who are both stressed and frustrated whenI am in the hospital and over an hour away in traffic. Carrie is busy with work and getting ready for a trip to a conference. She hasn't called. I guess maybe I should call instead of expecting the world to revolve around me. I am thinking that maybe school is going to be out yet another semester. I really need school or something to keep me going. The tech just tested my blood sugar and it was 501- quite the opposite of last night- will it ever end? Hoping your day is well...more later

I was happy yesterday when I opened my mail and discovered the latest edition of the Pegasus, the UCF alumni magazine. They did an update of my story and the good works my friends were doing,i.e., the cirlce of friends supper club. I am going to send out a group email to let everyone know about it and promote organ donation awareness.

Fall is really setting in now. The leaves are falling and it is cooling off. I feel like I missed most of summer because of my stomach. It looks like there aren't any classes being offered this winter for my school program, which is disappointing. I guess it gives me more time to get my business in order. I still have to take my realestate exam, but I want to make sure that my stomach is okay before committing.

Above is the picture of my family in Nantucket for Darryl's birthday.

I am feeling a little bit better today. I think the medicine is finally working. I am starting to get my regular appetite back. I made Darryl a scrapbook of the family trip to Nantucket that I missed since I was sick. He seemed to enjoy it and I liked making it. I enjoy scrapbooking as a hobby even though I no longer have a digital camera of my own- maybe christmas. I have dialysis tomorrow because Saturday I didn't make it- too much of a flare up to sit for four hours at 5:30 in the morning. I overlooked a bunch of doctor's appointments last week so I have to reschedule them all this week. My mom's folks are getting ready to head back to Florida- its that season for the snowbirds to leave. more later.

I spent most of the day today sleeping. When I went to get up and get ready for dialysis, the colon began to get uproarious so I cancelled my appointment and rescheduled for Monday morning. I think that since I was having trouble sleeping last night, I took too much Klonopin and that "relaxed" my system a bit too much. I have been better during the waking hours. Carrie and I played Scrabble and then I downloaded my mom's pictures from Nantucket. I figured I might make Darryl a scrapbook for his birthday of the celebration and some other photos I have. I heard from one of my special people Rebecca Hejl, who told me that she was engaged! I love good news. It helps pull me from the rip tide of my pity party. It is getting a little better. My mom came over and cleaned my house today. I think it helps her feel like she is doing something. ALthough I haven't had soda in months, and I am proud I haven't fallen off teh diet coke hotline, I have been drinking diet mountain dew which really gives me a kick. Gotta finish wathcing law and order now.

I don't even think that a new pair of shoes would make me feel better today. I had dialysis today to make up from a Tuesday unworthy of sitting anywhere besides the toilet. Today I made it through though but I am just emotionally drained and I am feeling sorry for myself, which is not normal for me and feels wrong on so many levels. I know I am frustrating everyone around me, including my dog, who just wants to sleep undisturbed. He comes to the bathroom door and pokes his head in to check on me periodically. Sometimes he sits and watches me sit, but grows bored and leaves to scratch or lick himself, typical male. He is the only thing that gets me out of bed. In my scrapbook of 2004, the last page said "2005 will be better" well, it hasn't and September is nearly over. The next three months have pretty high expectations on them and best to just cast them aside and chalk this year up as a loser too. No kidney, no companion, no credit. But I'm not ready to jump off the bridge just yet and the handful of pills I take are those which I've been prescribed. Maybe Jay Leno will make me laugh.

my life has been relatively unblogworthy the past week. My colon has been in an uproar and just when you think it was settling down, bam! a flare up. The doctors were trying to restart my antibiotics and that just set me back to square one. Today I missed dialysis because I couldn't keep out of the bathroom for more than twenty minutes. I didn't have a complete treatment on Saturday either. So I am huge,bloated and full of fluid. I also missed the family Nantucket trip. Besides being in the bathroom, I spent the weekend sleeping. I am just very frustrated with this lot in life and find myself drowning in pity, which is very un-Jill-like. I don't think time in the hospital will necessarily help my ailing colon or spirit. I have neglected my email, my phone, any real connection with the world. I don't think I've left the house in five days- how pathetic. I think I'll have some golden grahams now and hope they stay in. I hope everyone reading is feeling happy.

Yippee! I convinced the docs to let me go home. I am not constantly in the bathroom, infact, things have slowed quite a bit. I think it may be related to the liquid vanco that they are giving me instead of the pill form, who knows, maybe it just finally started to kick in. Anywho, I will see my doggy, which pleases me beyond all else. I'll sleep in my own bed. And in general, just be more relaxed. I dropped my classes, which saddens me, because I probably could have just gone next week without fail , but I think my body is telling me to correct my priorities and school can take a back seat right now. I have some things I have been procrastinating with because I have been so ill so now is the time to get my business in order, like visiting my family, scheduling my real estate exam and getting some refunds I'm due. I long to reorganize my closet and ready my fall shoes. Yes, this may seem shallow but , I guess I am when it comes to shoes. Hey we all find joy in different places. I have a pair I was asaving for the first day of school that I got for $11.70, normally $40. That is a dream for me. Not only a great pair of shoes but a great pair of shoes deeply discounted. Okay TANGENT!. I am hoping that now that I am going home I will be able to see my friend Jenn Cross- my ballsiest frienjd by far. She just picked up and moved to Spain, depsite the cloud of chrone's disease floating above her head. She's following her dream of being a writer and is way further into her book than I am on mine. (Jealous) Perhaps her ferver will kick my kiester into gear. more from home....

Well, the past week has been horrific and I haven't doen anything except to be in the bathroom. I finally broke down and had Carrie take me to the emergency room on Tuesday- I probably waited too long. I guess I was worried that I wasn't going to make it to school, but it really doesn't matter because I had to drop out this part of the quarter anyway. There is another class that starts in October so I'll stay registered for that. I tried so hard and this bug is just so miserable that there is no fighting it. I'm just looking forward to homecoming at this point.

This is the worst time of the night in the hospital. I have already eaten dinner and now I'm hungry again. Yesterday I went twenty five hours without eating anything. By the time I was allowed to eat they decided that I needed to drink a liter of barium for a stomach CT. Then I had to wait 3 hours for them to take me for the test. When I drink the barium, which has been more frequent than anyone deserves, I pretend that it is a pina colada and put it on ice. It kind of has a coconutty texture and smell, okay not really smell, and I chug it down.
It also stinks because there is no one around to socialize with or even to poke and prod me. It is too early to go to bed and there is nothing good on tv. AND of course, I hate the phone! That's why the laptop is so great! more later.