I haven't been blogging much these days. I guess that I have a lot on my mind that has kept me away from sitting at the computer and letting loose. Perhaps, it was the article I read on blogging that wrote that it was a "performance" for the readers rather than a true, genuine place to write about life and share with friends and voyeurs. That really put me off.
But I don't own that definition or purpose for blogging. It gets me in the habit of writing and thinking critically about myself and my relationships. God knows, I need to do more of both. I have spent most of July in my house. This summer marks the least tan I have ever been. With the inability to sleep comfortably at night, I am religated to find the peace of sleep during the day. No one quite understands that my sleep cycle is flip flopped right now. I am hoping that with some continued practice I will get on a cycle like the rest of humanity and I can crawl out of the bat cave, my windowless bedroom, to see the light of day. I've fallen into depressive and anxious thoughts, as I am still without a pancreas and still without financial security for my Doctoral program. I think that I am a planner by nature, even though most times the plans require some form of modification. I like to look at what the future has in store and I like to look forward to it. It gets me through the doldrums of here and now.
In other news, Kevin and I are on a "break". I'm not sure that this will turn into a break-up. But there's a reason they call it a break and not a fracture. There's the question of what will be healed if anything. I am embarking on a lot of new things, so maybe the timing is right. I guess I'd rather be sad because I have no one to call me than to be sad because the someone I have doesn't call. I'm trying to keep everything in perspective.
Will be better at blogging ....until then.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
It's been a while....
It's been a while since I have written anything or really have even checked my account. I have so much going on, though really it is very trivial. I have been doing a lot of reading for the Doctorate of Law and Policy program at Northeastern. I have been crunching numbers and variables to see what options I have as far as affording it, finding a home for the dog one weekend a month and a home for me while I am at school. It seems all insurmountable and yet I am giving it up to God to make it happen if it is meant to be. I don't think that my family understands my rationale for wanting a doctorate, but few have experienced higher education in the circles my family associates with. I tried to explain my purpose to my dad, who was looking at the bottom line. Never mind my goal of making a lasting permanent change within the American Health Reform Movement, especially targeting organ donation. It seems that my speaking engagements are moot, since they are volunteer and although my skill set is advanced, I don't think anyone truly understands what I am capable of. I gave my dad a copy of my admission's statement but I didn't get any comments.
I also have been experiencing huge amounts of anxiety and frustration as my wait for the pancreas continues. My MassHealth (medicaid) was cancelled this month and I spent one whole day this week working on getting it reinstated. The good news is that I have it back, the bad news is that my premium has tripled- ah the vicious circle of worry. Especially now that I have less income and even less when I can't work.
I thought it was going to be simple, but now that I have other things to think about and my health has deteriorated so that diabetes and digestion are constantly invading my thoughts, it is a hassle and easier just to stay home in the Bat Cave asleep than to deal with the outside world. I used to shop for comfort, but being on the verge of bankruptcy and the embarrassment that comes with it, I'd rather just hide. Now, The inner counselor tells me that such behavior is unhealthy so I have decided to make like a surgeon and sharpen my scalpel with a trip to the therapist to regain my perspective and my subjective take on my objective reality. Blah, blah, blah.