Technically, I didn't write a blog entry yesterday. My entries have been written early (3am) on the days I blog so, oh well. Yesterday, instead, I found that my lack of sleep finally caught up with me and I enjoyed some natural sleep. It seems I have run out of Ativan, an anti-anxiety drug, upon which I was relying for zzz. However, now is as good a time as any so I'm getting of the junk.
Some noteworthy things happened the day I didn't write so I'll catch you up.
First, the special person is ALISON MARTIN. Alison went this Thursday to be tested to see if she is a kidney donor. Alison is my oldest friend. We played when we were still in diapers. She is the type of friend who you can go a year without seeing, but then when you do, it's like it was just yesterday. She is a confidante beyond words and has seen me, like so many of my special people, through the dark times and has joined me in celebration of the good. Beyond all of this she is one of the best mothers I know and her son CONNOR, now 8, is polite, well-behaved and smart as a whip. I am so proud of both of them and feel lucky to have them in my life.
So yesterday I visited the mulch factory and checked in with Johanna, my aunt's wife's daughter who I simply call my cousin, who also works for the family business (Plymouth Reprocessing). Johanna was going to call my stepmother Anne and find out about the bridal shower, or to be more specific, why I was not invited. J said that she hadn't had a chance to talk to A, but that I should just go anyway, after all it, who would really care, it was another present, right? However, I thought better of it and asked my mom for counsel. She advised that my plan could backfire and be a lot more painful. SO I bit the bullet and called Anne myself. I am an adult and although family relations, especially my exclusion from them, can be difficult, its better to be upfront. I think deep down I was hoping that it was a mistake. But,alas, no: I just wasn't invited. I told Anne I had heard it was Tiggy's shower on Saturday and was there a reason I wasn't included. She basically said that my brother Chris had made the invitation list and he made it based on who he thought should be there. After hearing other rationales and a bit about how my brothers and I aren't close, it became clear and those unsettling feelings I had last week came back to mys tomach: the boys really don't consider me to be a part of their family. This makes me astonishingly sad, I will admit, though I would probably never admit it in public. My baravdo is too much for that. Even though there has been a bit of a rift with the boys since I relocated to Somerville in 2002, I would never write them off and not claim them as family. Perhaps, they have never known loss or emptiness related to family. Though I have to claim responsibility for my own actions, Doug really f*cked things up for me with the Balboni side for a long time, too long really. I haven't gotten a chance to recover with Chris and Doug, unfortunately. Guess they won't be stepping forward anytime soon to volunteer a kid(ney). No that's selfish.
I think that I will begin the healing process, or that's why I hope it will turn out to be, with some letters. I think I express myself pretty well- why not give it a shot?
I got up at 12 today, which is really yesterday now that I see the time, and decided that I should join the world. I could have slept the day away, but then I wouldn't sleep tonight, you know, now since I haven't gone to bed. I just got a phone call from a match guy but do I want to talk to someone at 1:18am? I think I'll see how I feel when I finish this. I went to my mom's pool, where my mom, my grandparents, my cousin Cheryl and her daughter Hannah. It's funny because Hannah thinks my real name is Jilly Bean since that is how my family refers to me. CHERYL is my special person of the day. She is my most normal relative of my generation. She always checks on me and is just as cheerful as I am. She works hard and is successful. Though she had a great husband, Scott, she is the epitome of an independent woman of the new millenium (now 5 years old).
When I got home, I painted the shot glass shelf I got for Carrie's collection. I re-painted the believe sign I have in my living room then, feeling inspired working with all the paint, I did a canvas of orchids (see above). After I went to Ziggy's for a twist soft serve ice cream. I am not supposed to have ice cream or chocolate according to my kidney dietary restrictions. I had to say "screw it" tonight. I have probably been saying that too much lately. It's that wicked,wicked drug Prednisone that leaves me with horrible cravings to the point I would chew my arm off just to have the taste I desire. I don't wish Prednisone on my worst enemy (Ok- maybe I'd wish it on one person).
Well, it's now 2:09am and I am trying to get myself off to bed. Then plan is to work on achieving unadulterated sleep first, then trying to get the time frame adjusted. Wish me luck- please post anything you have found successful in conquering insomnis- there seems to be a bunch of us struggling with it.